Death Note: The Ignorance
by TheFr3ak
Summary: Don't take it seriously. It's just meant to be funny. "Why, crack isn't bad. It's just like sugar, right?" Read from L's POV how everything is Kira, including himself. Some language and situations-legal but not suggested for anyone under 14. Putting as M.
1. The Broadcast and L as a Homegurl

**Death Note: Ignorance**

**Plot:** Also Watari questions his standing of being L's caretaker, Why does Watari want to have his own bakery? L is being weird again. This is a story about all the characters being stupid or just generally funny. It's normal if they are a little or out of character a lot.

Find out now! Well, some of it.

I'm just bad at summaries.

Why the humor? Things are better left unsaid, it's just a huge part of me that thinks this is why people like me...or hate me.

DISCLAIMER: I don't Death Note, trust me if I had I would have had a huge plot twist concerning Misa as a psychic who was hypnotizing everybody to believe Light was Kira. Imagine that. Oh and L wouldn't have died, he would have had BB pose as him for quite sometime and when everybody would die, L would come out and yell surprise to dead bodies. Oh and Near, he would become a pedophile-just kidding, but he'd come off as one.

Near: Can I play with your toy?

L: This is not your average toy shop.

Near: They still sell toys.

L: But...Damn it, Near, you can't play with these.

Near: Why not?

L: These are sex toys...

Near: What's that?

L: Hasn't a pedophile already tried that with you?

Near: Oh, that's the reason I don't see my parents.

L: (shocked) Maybe you should see a therapist.

Near: But he does the same thing.

L:...

Near: Maybe, I should get one for him. It's going to be his birthday soon.

L:...

**The Broadcast and L**

**L's POV**

"Hey, Watari! Can you get me some cake?" I said, I was crouching down on a couch. I did realize from time to time, it'd be completely useless for me to have a couch or a bed or a type of chair, all I did was crouch and walk like I had a hunchback. Why? Because I am freaking L! And if you judge me, then you must be Kira. Only Kira would hate me.

"Here you go, L," Watari said, holding a plate of cake on a tray.

"Watari," I said looking at Watari in some kind of dramatic pause for some reason, "Thank you for this delicious cake, I sometimes wonder have you ever thought about being a chef instead of my caretaker?"

"Many, many times," Watari said, turning his back from me. I could hear sniffles from him, I felt guilty that I was the cause of this injustice. Why did I keep Watari from having his own bakery? Then again, did an old man have to keep watch of a 24 year old who was the world's greatest detective who is perfectly capable of handling things on his own? Well, maybe it's because I burnt cake every time I baked. Damn...I love it, but I can't make it.

Now, time to eat the slice of cake before Watari drowns it in his tears and I get too out of focus.

"Watari, cake, please," I said, Watari immediately stopped crying and handed me the plate. Watari just ran out sobbing, did he think I wouldn't hear? With these ears I could hear everything.

Pick fork up...swipe a piece of cake...put in mouth...chew...think about Kira. Well, Kira I am going to make a broadcast today and if you respond to fake L, that must mean you're in whatever region I am going to broadcast at that time. Or that might mean you're Watari and I can't trust him. Am I Kira? Impossible. 0.000000000000000001% that Watari or I are Kira. That doesn't mean I can't suspect myself and him. I went to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. Huge black eyes, almost ghost-like. Spiky, black hair.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, AM I KIRA?" I yelled at the mirror on the wall. The mirror shattered.

"Did it get scared? 5% that the mirror is Kira! It was afraid of me. Only Kira would be afraid of my face!" I replied, the glass was strewn all across the floor. If I die because of that, it must Kira. If you give me an infection, I'll know you're Kira-shattered mirror, or glass.

"L, what did you do?" Watari asked, he had on a chef hat and a white apron.

"Nice outfit," I said quietly, trying to get out of the situation. If Watari knew what happened, he won't bake me cake for an hour.

(Audience: Will you turn L in? L: Yeah, will you turn me in. If you want to, then you're Kira!)

"Thanks, L, you know-hey, that's not going to work. What happened?" Watari asked, this time he seemed pestered.

"Ok, ok. Kira murdered my mirror, happy?" I replied.

"Why would Kira do that, L, are you on drugs," Watari asked.

"No," I looked from side to side quickly.

"Wait...L, remember yesterday at that crime scene there was a bag of white grainy stuff?," Watari asked, looking at me confused.

"Yes," I said licking my lips.

"You thought it was sugar?" Watari inquired, this time he cocked his head to the side.

"Absolutely, what else would it be?" I asked, I had no idea where he was going with this.

"I think you did crack," Watari said, he accused me. Me!

"You know what else is crack, this is," I said, did I break the fourth wall?

"Are you serious, L, we need to get you help," Watari said, he ushered me out of the bathroom with glass. Surprisingly, I didn't get cut. So, that means it isn't Kira, back to square one.

"Why, crack isn't bad. It's just like sugar, right?," I cut in. What was crack, they never taught us this kind of stuff at Whammy's. Then again they didn't teach us about sex or anyway of having a girlfriend without coming off weird. Damn, that place was for freaking freaks and weirdos. It was no surprise that BB became a serial killer, it'd be no surprise if the next freak from Whammy became a pedophile either.

"No, it's a drug," Watari said, he was keeping his cool. It was obvious that he wanted me to shut up.

"Like caffeine? Totally legal and everybody has it," I replied, I held my thumb to my lips. What is this crack? Why is it so bad?

"No, it's illegal. But some people are evil and use it," Watari answered, I didn't want to go on further with this crack thing. I'm not going to do it again, because Kira is evil and he does it. Don't want to be put on the same level of evil as him, no no.

"Now what are we going to do," I asked, I was wondering if he were going to keep me in a basement on surveillance for five hours making sure that I wouldn't turn into a replica BB who was a replica of me, except creepier edition.

"Well, you're going to make that broadcast," Watari said, he directed me to my oversized computer screens and a mic.

"Ok, I got this, I got this," I said, reassuring myself that I wouldn't reveal my own name. You know that Kira can kill with a name and a face, right?

"We have the sacrifice, right?" I asked Watari, we had this guy pretend to be me. He was actually a criminal, I referred to him as the sacrifice. When the sacrifice heard it, I bribed him that he wouldn't die that night. But he didn't actually know that Kira was probably going to kill him that night during the broadcast.

Time to sit back and relax, as I eat some cake. Not crack! I coughed, clearing my throat. For this performance, I would talk...like a homegurl, homegurl. We tried to do this weird alien one, but I felt so attached to this kind of ghetto gurl voice and the attitude. And it wouldn't be ghetto with the right spelling of gurl. It would also through Kira's suspicions of L being a a male, but I am 100% male. You can check for yourself, wink wink. Cough...cough.

After fake ass L went, I mean he wasn't even worthy of calling himself L. Glad that Kira took care of that one, if we really went along to execute him, well let's say he would have died slowly.

"Yo, yo, Kira, I know yous out there, somewheres, I'ma watching yoooouu, hmmm mmm," I said, I snapped my finger and posed like some kind of sassy home gurl, "By the way, whoever da fuck you are, kiraaaa, yous in the Kanto region, fuck, I don't know hows to pronounce that-hey!, hey! Tyronne, do you knows how to pronounce that. Anyways, forget about that, he owes me 3 months supply of heroin. I know you in Japan. You bad little Asian. Anyways, I tied you to the case in Jin-how da fuck do you pronounce that shit, damn, well you know where it happened. That was your first victim, you tested it out. I don't test shit out, I can't ace shit-so you're a brave, brave little boy. I'm just going to bet that you're a genius little kid who believes he can change the world, hahahahaha, you're so...you're so realistic...hahahaha, sorry, sorry. I really am the L, greatest detective in the world. Think you can outsmarts me, homeboy. Well, think again. I wonder how you are killing. What are you doing getting 3 wishes from a fucking genie? Do you have to s d for each guy with a heart attack. If you do, I'm sorry. I feel sorry for you, I will find yous, so don't stop sucking on that" I snapped my finger again in sass and turned off the mic.

"So how was that?" I asked my caretaker.

"Amazing, L, I think it was better than the time you posed as Paris Hilton," Watari answered. I shuddered in thought about the time I posed as Paris Hilton. Please don't ask me.

"Well, now it's going to be easy," I stated, returning back to my normal voice.

"How?" Watari asked.

"I'm going to get my own genie, I was told if I used this stuff then I can see them," I said, it was on Youtube.

"No, L, lets just do this with CAKE and this EVIDENCE," Watari yelled, the old man was obviously getting pestered by my insistence with doing crack or smoking.

"Ok, I think it's this guy," I said pointing to a picture of a random guy, the caption said 'Light Yagami'.

"So, how do we get evidence?" Watari asked, did he actually think I had any reason to suspect him.

"Light Yagami, genius, top of his class, his last name spelt backwards is I'm a gay. This has to be our guy," I stated, there was a lot of proof.

"How, L, How?" Watari asked, he was really confused to how I could have a suspect.

"Well, he obviously s's genie's d, his last name backwards. It's a message!" I clarified, I raised an almost non-existent brow for Watari's answer.

"You're absolutely right, this is hardcore evidence," Watari said as I snickered a little bit. I half smiled, biting my lip.

"What?" I asked annoyed that old man Watari was looking at me quizzically.

"Nothing," Watari looked away, this was going to be awkward.

Kira, I will find you. You are my enemy, that I must get rid of. I sound like I am Kira, trying to dispose of the disease. Imagine if I supported you Kira. Hmm...if Yagami can persuade a genie to give him more than 3 wishes, maybe he could persuade me. I got to be careful. I should tell him I'm L, so if he kills me then we'd know it'd be him. I should also use an alias, Ryuga Hideki, because if he tries to kill me using that way he'll think about that one famous dude who is not as cool as me. So either way, he fails, because I won't die. And if the real Ryuga Hideki, if he actually was named that-after all many famous people change names, dies then it's obvious Yagami is Kira. And Yagami's father strives for justice, so it's not odd Yagami wants to rid of criminals. But he's not doing this right, if you wanted to get rid of criminals you'd start at the base and help them psychologically wise. 5.6% you're Kira, Light! Damn...thinking like that is so cool. Gotta get cake now!

**What do you think of it? Death Note: The Comedy! This is hilarious, or is it plain awkward for you and me?**

**Review-if you want to be loved by L. And if you don't then you're Kira!**

**Hey as I was logging in, I failed my password the first time. So it asked me to type in a word and it had this Chinese character-of course I knew the pinyin and I typed it in pinyin too. And then I got to my account. Weird? How the hell did it know that I knew?**


	2. Watari and His Oven

**A/N: **

**It's been such a long time. Nearly two years to the dot. Oh well. I decided that I should "do something with my life". Lol. Yeah right. Life. Ha. Hilarious. Lol. **

**(Somebody else: Geez, that jokes getting old, freak) **

**Me: Geez, your remark is already old, biotch. Am I seriously getting into an argument with myself. Is this seriously happening? **

**(Somebody else: Because you left us. You left us! You left me! You left your wife and kids! Little um... Sarah... and um... Johnny. Or maybe Joe...) **

**Me: Since when did I have a wife and kids? Since when?**

**This was mostly supposed to be a one-shot sort of deal. But then I decided to "do something with my life" and update this because it's so lonely. Sitting here. Nobody paying attention to Homegurl L and Baker Watari. Yeah, so I decided to conclude Watari's story. THIS OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T MAKE LOGICAL SENSE WITH THE DEATH NOTE STORYLINE. But apparently, if you read the first chapter to this... um "series" then you'll sorta understand what I'm writing on about. Yeah.**

**Disclaimer: Do Not Own Death Note.**

**Warning: Watari does get a bit intense with his love of his oven. And there are so many innuendos. Lol. **

**If you don't get this humor, you will be like "What. Did. I. Just. Read?"**

**Little Summary: Watari's oven is a little more turned on by L. Not like I'm into weird stuff, this is purely for humor.**

**Enjoy!**

**Death Note: The Ignorance**

**Watari and His Oven**

**Watari's POV**

After L's broadcast and three thousand dishes in the sink, L finally decided that he had enough cake for the night. But I was pretty sure L was going to snack on candies and other things. I just need to keep him off the crack. If it was anything like his sugar addiction, man, he was going to have a terrible withdrawal.

Sometimes I did wonder where did all the calories go. I mean, if anything, it looked like L was anorexic or something. Maybe that's how he pulled off his Paris Hilton impression so well.

L just stared at me while I was pondering all this.

I instantly shuddered and ran back to my kitchen. My haven. My little love shack. My oven. My sweet, sweet Maria. The day that I saw Maria's rack, her large, robust, steel rack, I knew it was love at first sight. Every now and then, I was sure that L spotted me petting Maria's handles and all her glory. I just couldn't get away from that oven. Me and Maria would make sweet little cakes everyday. Maybe I could bake to clear my mind of L's eyes peering into my soul.

I started to bake from scratch. There is no way I am letting Maria bake boxed cake. No, that's an insult to her incredible beauty. The way that her white paint shines and the way that her sweet light voice rings to tell me when cake is done. It's just so hot. Or maybe that's just the heat emanating from Maria. Either way, it gets hot in this kitchen. Incredibly so. I set the oven and went back to mixing my flour, eggs, sugar, secret ingredient 1, secret ingredient 2, a little bit of my love... Sometimes I felt under-appreciated with L. Did he not taste the love in my cakes? Teardrop.

Maria sang out to me, meaning that she was ready for me to put in the goods. Not in a sexual way. Maria... Maria didn't like me in that way. I mean, I might have had a thing for her** (A/N: lol)**, but I knew she had the hots for someone else.

Ever since that bastard stepped in, I could tell that she liked him more than me. Or maybe it was the fact that L just turned her on higher than I did. He didn't know anything about ovens or Maria, but he thought he could just waltz in here and turn her on. I could feel how hot it was getting in this kitchen. In fact, L was burning cake **(A/N: I actually remembered from the first chapter how he mentioned he burnt cake, so I found some way... no idea how, really. I just started into this.)**. That could only mean one thing, Maria had the hots for L. L didn't appreciate Maria at all and yet, she felt more turned on by him than me, literally.

Maria chimed in, alarming me that the cake was ready. Now I only had to decorate it with love and cream and frosting and all. I turned Maria off, sending her into a blissful sleep. Poor girl, always being mistreated by men.

When L was baking- I mean _burning_ cake, I had to run to save her before L completely set her on fire. He was even standing there eyeing Maria, not making a movement to save her. She could have had everything with me. Always being doted on by me, never neglected, always handled well. I could have done it all and I do it all anyway. No strings attached.

But if I had to say it... L came first. He really did. I might sound weird getting off for an oven, but L was a human being. Strange one at that. But so was I. Seriously, Maria was just an oven.

"You're just an oven," I sighed to myself.

"Who are you talking to?" L asked as he walked in.

I could feel heat coming from Maria. Maria was set to 400ºF. Didn't I just turn her off?

"L, did you happen to touch Maria- I mean the oven?" I asked.

"Uh... Nooooooo," L said slowly.

I was unsure whether to be suspicious of L's answer. But after a moment, I realized that Maria was alive. I dropped to my knees and started bawling, repeating "why me?" a couple thousand times. L backed out of the room. Again, I was a lonely man who just loved baking a little too much.

**L's POV**

I snuck out of the kitchen. I knew everything about Watari's obsession with that oven. He went so far to even give it a name. I decided to have a little more fun tonight. I did have a serial killer to catch, but that didn't mean I should pass up a good opportunity to screw with Watari. I snickered to myself a little bit. But then I felt a little bad about making Watari cry. I mean... he did do all my dirty work, cleaning, cooking, he even did my hair. My hair, do you know how hard it is to get flawless hair like this? (Rinse and repeat, kids.) The man was a saint. Heh, maybe I was Kira. 0.0004% I am Kira...

I was looking at Light Yagami's yearbook intently. I could just feel the evil lurk from him. I guess I kinda did draw horns on him anyway.

**A/N: I honestly wasn't going to update this. At all. But then I was like why not? Now you might just be like 'well, that was enough internet for today'. Good for you!**


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